1.) Detroit: QB RONNIE “SUNSHINE” BASS/Remember the Titans:
-Lions looking to rebuild fan base and their franchise could use this mobile QB with history of success at rebuilding a dysfunctional team.
2.) St. Louis: OT BILLY BOB/Varsity Blues:
-Rams are desperate for a tackle to not only protect their qb, but to help get Steven Jackson going. Billy Bob can be that guy. Rams do need to look into the rumors that Billy Bob has lost about 500 pounds though.
3.) Kansas City: WR/KR FORREST GUMP/Forrest Gump:
-The most explosive player in the draft is also the most raw. If Forrest can keep his personal life in check, he can team with Dwayne Bowe to be a lethal tandom for new qb Matt Cassel. Gump also brings home-run ability to special teams.
4.) Seattle: DE DARNELL JEFFERSON/Fast Times at Ridgemont High:
-Jefferson is the most dominant player in the draft and Seattle lucks into him at spot #4. Jefferson will provide much needed pass rush in a divison that will see teams throwing a lot. ALSO…look for Seattle to hire Jeff Spicoli to trash talk Jefferson and wreck his car before big games.
5.) Cleveland: RB AL BUNDY/Married with Children:
-Al was a high school legend who is no stranger to playing in front of hostile and unsophisticated crowds. He fits right in at Cleveland and helps their aging running game.
6.) Cincinnati: RB RICKY DRAPER/Boyz N’ The Hood:
-Is there a better destination for a guy used to gunfire than Cincy? If he can avoid being shot, Ricky will add balance to an offense that already has Ocho Cinqo and a returning Carson Palmer.
7.) Oakland: WR CHARLIE TWEEDER/Vasity Blues:
-Tough, gritty and has a little bit of an attitude. Perfect fir for the silver and black.
8.) Jacksonville: QB RICO DYNAMITE/Napoleon Dynamite:
-Is David Gerrard really the answer at qb for Jax? The Jags select Rico and let him watch Gerrard for a year before taking control. Kind of creepy, but he can throw a football over the mountains.
9.) Green Bay: DE JULIUS CAMPBELL/Remember the Titans:
-Along with a solid LB group, the Pack loads up on defense to blitz Jay Cutler and Chicago. With Campbell, GB has the best young defense in the NFC.
10.) San Francisco: LB STEVE LATTIMER/The Program:
-Lattimer dominated his senior year at ETSU. Going to the Bay Area near BALCO and Victor Conti is no surprise.
11.) Buffalo: LB BOBBY BOUCHER/The Waterboy:
-In a division where Buffalo will see the pass happy Patriots and the tough running game of Miami, the Bills take a guy who can do it all, stop the run AND blitz the qb.
12.) Denver: QB PAUL BLAKE/Necessary Roughness:
-Blake is a lockerroom guy who, unlike Cutler and Orton, can be counted on to stay in at night. The Broncos finally get a seasoned vet at qb….as a rookie. If Orton fails, look for Blake to get a look early.
13.) Washington: OT FRED “OGRE” PALOWAKSKI/Revenge of the Nerds:
-Ogre brings the “Hogs” back and gives great running lanes for Clinton Portis. Future pro bowler who is at home being physical in the rugged NFC East.
14.) New Orleans: RB DARNELL JEFFERSON/The Program:
-Jefferson will split carries with Reggie Bush and can also play special teams. Jefferson, unlike Bush, is an accomplished blocker and that will get him playing time right away as Brees throws 60 passes a game.
15.) Houston: LB ALVIN MACK/The Program:
-Despite a nasty knee injury against Iowa that sidelined Mack his Senior year, the Texans get a beast. Mack’s job will be to presure Peyton Manning and limit running lanes of Maurice Jones-Drew and Cris Johnson. With Mario Williams and a solid Texans D, look for Mack to have a “Rookie of the Year” type of season.
16.) San Diego: DE/LB DANIEL “RUDY” RUETIGGER/Rudy:
-Ruetigger didn’t see the field much, but it seemed that whenever he did, he got to the quarterback. Although he is vastly undersized (one coach described him as ‘Hobbit-like’), teams were blown away by his work ethic at the combine.
17.) NY Jets: QB JON MOXON/Varsity Blues:
-After a season of Brett Favre, the Jets want a qb who is smart and makes good decisions. With Moxon getting a full ride to Brown, he appears to be that guy.
18.) Denver: OT LOUIE LASTIC/Remember the Titans:
-The Broncos looking to rebuild a once powerful run game, take the mammoth tackle who is also a great lockerroom guy.
19.) Tampa Bay: QB TIM WAYMEN/The Program:
-Though both Waymen and Joe Kane project to go in the first round, the Heisman-winner Waymen is projected a little higher on teams draft boards, mostly because while Michigan has a strong pedigree of pro QBs, teams could not think of the last successful QB to emerge from ESU.
20.) Detroit: DE IVORY CHRISTIAN/Friday Night Lights:
-An immediate and forceful presence in the locker room, you can also be sure he’ll let the Redskins know when they are playing like a bunch of little girls.
21.) Philadelphia: WR AIR BUD/Air Bud: Golden Retriever:
-Sadly, only Desean Jackson has more upside right now out of Philly’s WR group. McNabb makes Air Bud his slot receiver and he becomes a crowd favorite in brutal Philly.
22.) Minnesota: QB STAN GABLE/Revenge of the Nerds:
-Gable lead Adams College to 4 staright bowl games and his achip on his shoulder since Betty Childs left him to go screw a nerd. I like all those attributes. Gable will be starting by week 4.
23.) New England: LB SPIKE HAMMERSMITH/Little Giants:
-With a naging LB core, the Pats go young…real young! Hammersmith can play either full back or linebacker. The downside, however, is that like Randy Moss, the Patriots worry that Hammersmith is a mere mercenary who will only play hard when things are going well.
24.) Atlanta: DT ANDRE KRIMM/Necessary Roughness:
-The Falcons were helpless aginst Arizona last year in the playoffs. With Krimm they get a solid pass rusher and run stopper. He will also teach Matt Ryan astronomy.
25.) Miami: DB STEFAN JORDEVIC/All The Right Moves:
-With Tom Brady coming back, the whole division is loading up on physical db’s to keep up with their passing attack. His stock fell when he only measured out at 5 foot 5 at the combine.
26.) Baltimore: RB: BOOBIE MILES/Friday Night Lights:
-Miles is a perfect fit here. Miles was able to get back into playing shape through heavy rehabilitation. With Willis McGahee often injured, Miles will be ready for some playing time as the Ravens will run the ball 85 times a game.
27.) Indianapolis: FB/RB BECKY “THE ICEBOX” OSHEA/Little Giants:
-With Rhodes off to Buffalo and Addai not being too durable, “The Icebox” is able to pick up those tough 3rd and shorts that cost Indy a playoff game a year ago.
28.) Philadelphia: OT KAMINSKI/The Program:
-McNabb isn’t getting any yonger and Westbrook is made of glass. Picking the big tackle helps protect both of them and gives McNabb time to look in the middle of the field for AIR BUD!
29.) NY Giants: WR DEACON MOSS/The Longest Yard(2005):
-They replace the troublesome Plaxico Burress with Michael Irvin’s character who has spent time in prison. The circle of life.
30.) Tennessee: DB PETEY JONES/Remember the Titans:
-Again, stocking up the secondary to keep the Colts from looking downfield. Every year when you think they will take a WR….they don’t!
31.) Arizona: QB Joe Kane/The Program:
-An up-and-down season at ESU, punctuated with barfights, a DUI, and a stint in rehab drop the talented Kane down to the Cardinal. Kurt Warner has 1 year left and Matt Leinart is a bust. The Cards look for the future with Kane.
32.) Pittsburgh: K LUCY DRAPER/Necessary Roughness:
-With Jeff Reed getting into fights at gas stations, the Steelers class up their special teams with a hot ass and young Katy Ireland. Nothing wrong with that!